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Post by jkmlynch on Aug 17, 2021 13:20:10 GMT
Definitions are helpful, allowing us to put into words how we view ourselves and the world around us. But definitions are also stagnant, unable to illustrate the nuances of how they affect an individual’s life. They tell information but cannot show the emotional impact of that information. Stories do that. This is a thread where Aromantic people can share their stories—funny or sad, long or short. It is up to you because it is your story, part of who you are.
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Post by jkmlynch on Aug 17, 2021 13:21:40 GMT
Humans are stories. Each of us is a collection of flesh and bone and blood with a lifetime of stories nestled away in our respective brains. Piece these stories together, from A to B to C and so on, and the narrative of an individual’s life takes form. We can see clearly who we are—who we always were. Sometimes a story will not make sense until long after it ends. This is one such story. I rarely tell it; time still has not eradicated the twinges of sorrow it conjures. Time has merely brought acceptance and understanding, peace and the ability to live in the present while appreciating the past.
CONTENT WARNING: THIS STORY DEALS WITH SUICIDE AND CHILD ABUSE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF IT WILL TRIGGER MEMORIES FROM YOUR PAST OR CAUSE YOU DURESS IN THE PRESENT.
Have you ever met a person who becomes more beautiful with each moment you spend with them? Not physical beauty, but rather who they are as a person. I have—MES, the woman with a sad smile and eyes covered by a contraption composed of a wire frame and two ovals of unmelting ice. She genuinely believed in people, in an individual’s ability to embrace the better nature of their being.
We met during our freshman year in university. Our friendship soon blossomed. A romantic attachment between us was never an option. Never hinted at. Never thought about. We were content with conversing with the other, or with sitting on a bench together in silence while enjoying a moment of just being there. Alone but together. Friends but something else too.
I did not know how to describe our friendship at the time. Love—romantic love—did not exist between us. Mutual respect and care for the other did. Many years would elapse before I could give it a name. In aromantic jargon it would be called a Queer Platonic Relationship (QPR). I dislike that term. The inclusion of Relationship bears too many connotations of romance. It feels like an attempt to fit in with the romantic populace. But I am not romantic, and I want to be accepted as I am rather than as an outlier grasping at the heals of my romantic friends. Platonic Companionship is the phrase I prefer to use.
MES had endured a turbulent childhood. Her adopted momma talked to God and obeyed when that god told her to throw MES through a wall. I cannot imagine how horrible that must have been for MES, to have a momma who had chosen MES but who let the voices in her head drown out her daughter’s sobs. But MES never broke, never gave up. Even her momma could embrace the better nature of her being.
MES had a degenerative hip condition that impaired her mobility. Her dream was to become a nurse for sick children, but after our junior year the administration at our school decided it was too much of a risk for her to remain in the nursing program. MES had to transfer to a school not far away. But she still believed in the goodness of the people who ran our university.
Our last phone conversation occurred while MES was in a hospital due to an issue with her hips. She told me that she had finally confronted her momma, had told her momma that she could forgive what was done to her but could not forget it. I failed to grasp the significance of those words, failed to understand that MES could no longer believe in the better nature of her momma’s being.
Tiny blue droplets—hardened ovals of chemicals—formed a halo around her head when MES was found. I kept my mouth shut at her memorial service, the urge to rave at her momma was too compelling and I did not wish to spoil the final moment MES would spend above the earth. I did not break down until a week later when I was talking with a mutual friend of ours.
Prior to my time with MES I had never dated anyone, had neither desired such a relationship nor even thought about what being in one would be like. But after MES I began to date people, perhaps in a misguided attempt to move on. The dating led to a relationship in which I attempted to force myself to feel romantic attachment toward the other person. But that is another story for anther day. For now, I will merely say that I could not experience romantic love no matter how hard I tried.
I began to think more and more about the companionship I shared with MES after that relationship came to its inevitable end. Piece by piece the narrative took shape. I am aromantic. I can neither experience nor fully comprehend romantic love. Respect and genuine concern for the people in my life are concepts I understand. A common misconception about aromantic people is that we are cold and uncaring. But I do care—deeply. Affection and love are different emotions. And affection is not reliant upon romantic love.
I am aromantic. I owe my knowledge of that to MES. Repaying my debt to her will never happen. And she would not have wanted me to. Life moves on. I meet other people. I learn to care about some of them, to respect them. And now I am telling the most personal story that resides in my head in the hope that it may assist someone else. Living my life and doing what I can to help others—that is what MES would have wanted.
Slumber now, MES. And thank you for everything.
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Post by ashe on Aug 20, 2021 15:26:06 GMT
oh boy, this one is a toughie.
When I was in middle school, my friend told me about his crush, and I didn't have a crush. never had one at this point. But the next time he brought up his crush and asked me about mine, I had decided I had a crush on someone who I found cute and wanted to get to know.
But, I never felt a drive to ask her out. She got a boyfriend eventually, and my infatuation stayed, but I was perfectly comfortable with the fact she had a boyfriend, and didn't feel jealous or disappointed or anything. I still wanted to get to know her, and eventually I did have some conversations with her.
Meanwhile my friend is always obsessing over his crush, and I feel tired by it. He was always obsessed with her, saying her name, and I just felt alienated by his feelings.
In college I had a few relationships, and people who liked me. The first time someone liked me, I was hanging out in their dorm room, we were friends the four of us, and at one point I laid down on her bed, and almost right away she laid down with me, and the lights went out, and I was so surprised and confused by this. I had feelings for her roomate, but I was like, oh, I like her too. But I couldn't get comfortable sleeping next to her, and eventually left the room to sleep in my own bed.
the next year I'm in another friend group, and eventually the one girl asked me on a double date, saying it was as friends, but I think in retrospect she had feelings for me then. eventually she asks me to date, but I say no, I felt confused why she wanted to date someone so close after breaking up with her previous boyfriend, even though it was several months.
My first girlfriend, she asked me to date. And, it did involved kissing and touching, and that really excited me, I got really into it, so naturally I think it's romantic attraction. But she breaks up with me in December, and I feel a little sad and hurt, but no major feelings.
My second girlfriend, I ask her out. Actually, two weeks before, a friend of mine asked me on a date, which I agreed and enjoyed the time together, but then this is her friend and I'm infatuated and ask her out. So I do something really rude and don' even think twice about it. But my gf and I spend a lot of time together, and honestly looking back at our relationship I feel like we were friends, but barely did anything romantic except sleep in the same bed. she tries to initiate sex, but I'm clearly not prepared for it, and she says she doesn't want to do it if I'm not ready. She eventually says we should just be friends, and I'm heartbroken. I say some unkind things. I regret it. I don't continue being her friend. Honestly this relationship looks romantic, but I don't know if it really was. I wanted to spend time with her, and be her friend, and I thought that alone was what romantic attraction was. Now I know that romantic people want more than just friendship, and honestly I suspect she broke up with me because I felt like a friend and nothing more. or maybe it was because we weren't having sex. IDK.
my third girlfriend, I don't have any feelings for her. We get together because we were spending time, and she kissed me, and our kissing led to sex, and we had a sexual relationship. But I was always worried and upset, because I liked her as a friend, but didn't have any feelings for her. Honestly this relationship was the most telling, to discover in retrospect that I was asexual, and possibly aromantic. Eventually I did have feelings for her, but they came way too late, when the relationship was falling apart.
Now, I feel pretty confident that my feelings were alterous. I'm down to date someone I have feelings for, but all I want out of someone I feel special towards is friendship. There's been a few friends I had that weren't romantic, that I didn't think I felt romantic towards them, but I did like them in a special way. I wanted to be close with them, but didn't have any desire to date them. Those friends I feel were definitely alterous. I knew, I was willing to date them if they wanted it, but I didn't feel desire to date them.
I definitely have had amatanormative ideas in my head, thinking that attraction of any kind for another person is romantic. thinking that a qpr is definitely romantic. But even though I rarely acted on my feelings. I think a squish and a crush are the same, but in the back of my head I know they aren't. And I did a lot of research recently on romance, asking lots of questions, reading definitions of romantic attraction, reading articles and looking up posts about romance. and I feel like the things I'm reading aren't things I feel.
I don't know if I'm aromantic or maybe greyromantic, but I do know now that my feelings of infatuation have been likely alterous attraction and not romantic attraction.
edit: I consider myself aromantic. I should've posted this in the other thread. I guess I'll just copy and paste it there, lol, people enjoy reading things twice, duh!
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leia
Full Member
Posts: 238
Sexual Orientation: grey aro-ace
Pronouns: whatever
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Post by leia on Sept 4, 2021 6:34:58 GMT
When I realised I was acespec, one of my friends did mention that I should look into aromanticism as well. But I thought, 'I couldn't possibly be aromantic, I love the whole idea of love!' For context, I'm very much romance favourable. I've always found the concept of romance to be very sweet and lovely. I enjoy reading/watching cheesy romantic stuff. And I always wanted to have something like that for myself. Which is why it was difficult for me to realise that I was actually aro.
After I was done questioning my sexuality, I decided I might as well question my romantic orientation, because I was starting to wonder if I might be pan. Turns out, I wasn't. My attraction towards others was solely platonic. Once I got to know the difference between crushes and squishes and meshes, I realised that my so-called crushes in school were actually squishes. I was initially disappointed by the fact that I wouldn't be able to experience 'love'. I was pretty much in denial of being aro, and the fact that most aros are romance-repulsed did not help. Then I came across the term cupioromantic, which fit me perfectly, and that was what made me believe that I was after all arospec. (but i don't use that term because it's a very specific micro-label and I just don't like it) I've come to terms with it now, and although I still like the idea of romance, I'm glad that I don't have to fall into that trap.
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leia
Full Member
Posts: 238
Sexual Orientation: grey aro-ace
Pronouns: whatever
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Post by leia on Sept 4, 2021 6:48:13 GMT
A more light-hearted post, inspired by SeanBirdGongoozler's post in Romantic Asexuals. I like cracking inside jokes with my friends. I like surprising them with random gifts. I like going out on lunch-dates with them. I like listening to songs on the radio with my family. I like having noisy dinners with all of them. I like teasing them for their stupid little habits. I like petting animals. I like cuddling them. I like it when they use my lap as a cushion. I like picturing myself living in a rented cottage with my best friend/s. I like I like thinking of myself as the cool wine aunt. I like imagining myself as the crazy old cat-lady. |
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Post by mememastersnao on Oct 10, 2021 0:54:37 GMT
The other day I was digging through a writing project I did in 2004 where I wrote a couple witty paragraphs about my opinions on a number of issues. The ones relevant to relationships were all very, very much aromantic, but I didn't know the word at the time. I have always known I don't want a relationship.
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